Rubi's Rambles: Originally written on 2/23/22- one week after my panic attack
On 2/22/22, I acted on my long-awaited desire to resign from my job after ten years and nine months. It wasn’t intentional nor did I plan on doing it without having a backup job, but by the grace of God, I was set free. The same person that offered me the position back in 2011, brought me in and gently took me out by helping me acknowledge that my position as a case manager was a trigger for me. And that, I believe was a blessing, in and of itself, because fear wouldn’t have let me resign on my own. I would have continued struggling and sacrificing my health until some job landed on my lap.
Fortunately for me, this emotional breakdown happened divinely-- as all things with God do. There’s no doubt in my mind that Source orchestrated this. I mean, I had been praying about it for years, so it was only right. It was time! I didn’t even have to submit a two-week notice as I had prayed for. I was allowed to just walk out—no more home visits or holding emotional space for others. I had been set free, and although I had no idea what would come next, I was certain this is exactly what God needed me to do. This is where Source would put my faith to the test. And so, I was left with the decision to live life from a place of fear or of faith. I was allowed to see this as part of God’s plan and that it had finally been set in motion. All I needed to do was to trust, wholeheartedly, that the ideal position/career/business venture would arrive exactly when it should.
I could not stop thinking about the fact I was finally free. But I will admit that I was also saddened because I didn’t imagine leaving a decade-long career this way. I didn’t picture I would have to experience a panic attack to recognize that my mental health was in jeopardy. Even while attending therapy sessions for over a year, I had no idea that my mind, body, and spirit were giving out on me. I had no more strength. I had nothing left to give. I gave the job the best I could give, the most I was willing to give even after I'd lost my desire to be there long ago. Every year that I thought would be my last, wasn't-- because God had other plans.
I still had lessons to learn. I still had some maturing to do. I couldn’t run away as I was accustomed to and so I stuck it out believing that miracles could happen any day of the week. I held on, even if most of the time I did so while kicking, screaming, and crying. I was grateful for the position when it landed on my lap because it arrived unexpectedly and during a time I didn’t know I would need it. The job’s salary held me down through the early days of a long-distance marriage, two pregnancies, a home purchase, the food in the fridge, and the clothes on mine and my children’s backs. Therefore, I will always be grateful for how well this organization treated me. The past two years had not been easy. They took a catastrophic toll on me. But even though I was struggling in many areas of my life, I was also thriving in others. The past two years were filled with so much anguish and stress but they were also filled with unexpected blessings. The past two years made me come face to face with my true calling-- that of a writer. I was beginning to understand that putting my innate gift to use brought me immense joy. I learned that I was exceptionally good at writing, and it was time to follow that bliss.
The truth about my emotional well-being set me free. I was in a state of shock because I couldn't believe what had happened. I am still wondering how we’ll get by, but I know my God though. I know that he’ll provide if I choose to believe this is part of the plan and that there’s no way he would leave me hanging. Time and time again, my spiritual connection with the divine has seen me through and this is no different. I now understand that this happened for me and not to me.
And I am so grateful. Yes! I am grateful that a panic attack was the answer to a prayer. So, I am grateful to the Lord for having saved me. Thank you, Lord, that the path is clearing up and that from now on I should expect nothing but miracles because I have finally been detached from the energies that kept me tethered to low vibrations and a lack of belief in my grandiose potential as a writer.