i am queen
“Trust in what you love, continue to do it, and it will take you where you need to go”. And don’t worry too much about security. You will eventually have a deep security when you begin to do what you want. How many of us with our big salaries are actually secure anyway?
-Natalie Goldberg (Writing down the bones)
There was a scene in the drama TV series, Queen Sugar, where the character, Nova, finishes her book and she sits there in awe of what just transpired. She sits there just staring at her masterpiece and feeling proud as ever. I felt that scene in my core. My higher self was Nova at that exact moment. I know what it feels like to complete a major project. Accomplishing something challenging and grand. To complete something that at first appeared impossible. Sitting there with your work of art. With your masterpiece. Just having a rather intimate moment. There’s no feeling like it. At that moment, I saw myself as Nova. As a writer of color, a radiant, Afro-Latina, queen embracing her natural beauty, unapologetically. I picture myself there. I feel myself there. Whether I write a book or not. Writing is oxygen for me. I may or may not write an amazing poem ever again but if I don’t try its obvious that I definitely won't. So here I am- opening the door and inviting inspiration. Gently patting the couch so that my muse can feel welcomed and comfortable. Waiting for her to arrive because I know for a fact she’s also waiting for me. We know each other, Inspiration and I. We were very close once before, and then she just went away because I wasn’t paying her any mind. I do know, however, that for the magic to happen you actually have to work at it. You have to practice- like you would practice any sport or instrument. We have to find each other again because there’s no other way. I believe that the anger and discomfort within is my soul’s way of begging me to please leave the comfort zone. To finally get to it. Because if not now, then when? I don’t know what lies ahead. None of us do. But I do know that in order to find out, a sacrifice must be made. A leap of faith must occur before its too late. Before the anger gets the best of me. Before inspiration even gets to respond to my invitation.
Writing is what I love. And I am trusting that it will love me back.