There, I said it! Forty Got Me Like...

My cake looks as hungover as I was that morning.

I'm not one to follow or pay attention to analytics because I'm not here or on any social media platform for the numbers. At my very core, that's just not me. To be quite honest, I could do without any social media platform because life without it is simpler. I love to live a life of peace. As an introvert, I enjoy silence, solitude, and calm atmospheres. I think of myself as a turtle that retreats to its shell quite often. Especially because you know, mothering, wife-ing, working, volunteering, business owning, etc., etc., etc. As this so-called turtle, I retreat to my shell and unplug from the outside world a bit to recharge, ground, and be present for myself, my family, and my purpose. And when I am recharged, I come out of my shell and play.

Analytics, as I was saying, is something I try not to focus on too much because I know that the numbers will cause a disruption. The numbers will then begin to dictate how I should show up in my writing. Worrying too much about the numbers is worrying about "what people are thinking and saying about me or what I wrote." Insecurities and distrust in my own voice will then keep me from writing how I really write. All my life, I have worried about what others will say or think about me. And that has taken its toll. It has kept me small. It has kept me insecure. And it has kept the real me hidden from the rest of the world.

When I don't trust myself, my authenticity, and my gut feelings, I am easily persuaded. Which means that I push my real self aside to show up as others want me to show up. The fact that I fear showing up exactly as I am, has fucked with me most of my life. It keeps me from peeling all the layers and showing others who I really am. Out of protection, I keep myself wrapped up in an invisible cocoon, and the only people who get to witness the real me are the ones who allow me to feel safe. The ones that don’t side-eye or judge my looks, my style, or my loud ass laugh.

But, if there's one thing I am learning, is that when I trust myself enough to follow through on my inner little knowings, I am never led astray. And although I am making this about trusting my writing voice, this pertains to everything about me. When I make a decision that sits well with me, that comes from the depths of me, that makes me feel happy and at peace, I win. Doors unlock. Opportunities show up. And because I am in my genuine little bubble, I can have fun and create from a place of passion and play. When I am on the page, I am in a playground. When I can fully be me, I am free. And when I am free, there isn't an ounce of anxiety or insecurity.

What I am trying to say is that when I do follow analytics, I take it with a grain of salt. When the numbers dip or aren't high enough, I don't let it affect me negatively. I don't let that bother me because writing and self-expression are like breathing for me. I can't help myself, especially because I am going to write whether anybody reads it or not. However, I wouldn't want my words to remain hidden in a notebook or laptop forever, especially the ones that could easily help anyone in need of encouragement or companionship. As someone who is fascinated and inspired by other people’s vulnerable words, why would I hoard valuable information like that?

Besides, I was born this way. It's who I am. I am expressive. I am artistic, creative, bubbly, cheerful, funny, and brutally honest--another reason why I mostly keep to myself. I love depth and honesty, and if that isn’t going to be reciprocated, then I’d rather not. My intentions are way too pure and genuine. I am not here for the bullshit. I am here for the real shit. And that’s my truth. The page doesn't let me lie, ever. It’s the only place that gets the rawest version of me. Which means that there’s too much truth in my writing and putting it all out there has the potential of affecting real shit like relationships, friendships, and life in general. But keeping the truth hidden or tucked away neatly can also affect shit, but within me. I may not be living a lie, but not living freely and authentically feels like I am.

I turned 40 this month. I also celebrated 15 years of wedded bliss on the same day I turned 40, because I obviously got married on my birthday. And no, I didn’t plan it that way. It’s way too corny or cliché for me. But all of it was preordained. It was destined to be that way, and all I could do was trust that knowing--the voice that led me down that path and so many others.

And although I haven’t been 40 for long, it is asking me to get on with it already. To start speaking my truth. To stop hiding and being fearful of showing up as I truly am. To forge reconciliation with all parts of myself so that I can finally be free. And be exactly who my creator created me to be. I once heard a quote that said, "If you avoid conflict to keep the peace, you start a war within yourself." And THAT shit hit because I have always been the one to swallow everything up to keep the peace with others. I’ve let people walk all over me and treat me how ever they wanted to because it was easier to just take it than speak the fuck up.

But I guess 40 said, GAME OVER! Because all I want to do now is walk in my truth and my God-given purpose, and that’s frightening AF. But all I yearn for is to be free. And if the truth shall set me free…well then, here we are, taking that leap.